Acceptance First

Have you ever worked with a coach or therapist who promised to “fix” or “change” you?

What if change cannot be forced?

When Change Becomes the Problem

Many coaching and therapy approaches are steeped in the language of transformation—change the behavior, change the mindset, change the outcome. Early in his career, Dr. Tom Luttrell followed that model. But over time, he noticed a pattern: the more he tried to change others, the less lasting the results. It was a hard truth to confront—especially in a profession built around "improvement."

So he began to unlearn the idea that people need to be fixed.

The Paradox of Change

Dr. Luttrell’s turning point came through his study of Gestalt therapy and the humanistic work of Carl Rogers—both of which emphasize unconditional acceptance. Writing about how Gestalt therapy works, Dr. Arnold Beisser described a"Paradoxical Theory of Change":

"Change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not... By rejecting the role of change agent, we make meaningful and orderly change possible...

"The Gestalt therapist rejects the role of 'changer'... Rather, change can occur when the patient abandons, at least for the moment, what he would like to become and attempts to be what he is.”

This concept helped reshape Dr. Luttrell’s practice.

Therapists and coaches often define success by how well their clients meet their goals—but tying your worth to someone else’s progress is risky. When results hinge on external outcomes, the work becomes a roller coaster.

That’s when Dr. Luttrell made a quiet, but profound decision. He wrote:

“I quit… being a change agent.”

He hasn't looked back since.

Of course, people still come to him seeking change. But now, he begins with something deeper: acceptance. And paradoxically, when people feel truly seen and valued as they are, meaningful change often follows.

Growth or Grace?

Which is more important: growth or grace? How do we balance the two?

For people of faith, this isn’t new. In many traditions, change flows from being fully accepted—not from fear or shame. The story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery offers a powerful example: before he said, “Go and sin no more,” he first said, “Neither do I condemn you.”

This order matters.

Whether you come from a faith background or not, the principle is universal: acceptance creates the safety where healing begins.

If we had to choose a starting point, we’d start with grace. With acceptance. Growth is important—but without grace, growth becomes a performance. A treadmill of striving. And without growth, grace can lose its grounding. We need both. But grace must come first.

The Philosophy of HigherChange

At HigherChange, our motto is simple: Acceptance First.

We believe that genuine healing and transformation can only grow from a foundation of unconditional acceptance. But make no mistake—acceptance is not complacency. It’s not giving up. It’s choosing to see someone clearly, hold space for their humanity, and walk with them toward something better.

This isn’t just a method. It’s a mindset. A way of relating. And it works.

Why Acceptance Comes First

Here are several reasons why "Acceptance First" or acceptance as a first step is important for the healing and change of individuals:

🛡️ Psychological Safety

People are more likely to open up when they feel safe. Acceptance lowers defenses and invites vulnerability—the heart of healing.

🤝 Building Trust

Acceptance builds rapport. Trust deepens when people feel respected as they are, not pressured to become someone else.

💞 Self-Compassion

When we learn to treat ourselves with the kindness we offer others, we create space for growth without shame.

🚫 Reducing Shame & Stigma

Acceptance challenges the stigma surrounding mental health, addiction, and trauma. It says: you are not broken.

💪 Empowerment & Autonomy

Change that comes from within—rather than pressure from others—is more authentic and sustainable.

🔍 Authentic Exploration

Acceptance allows people to explore who they truly are. No masks. No pretending. Just presence.

🌱 Resilience & Coping

Knowing you’re accepted strengthens your ability to navigate setbacks and handle stress.

🧠 Supportive Relationships

When you experience acceptance, you’re more likely to seek relationships that reflect it—and to offer it in return.

💬 Vulnerability & Openness

Acceptance invites us to tell the truth. And telling the truth—especially about our pain—is where healing starts.

🔁 Sustainable Change

Lasting growth doesn’t come from willpower alone. It comes from acceptance-fueled clarity and a desire to thrive.

Acceptance in Therapy and Coaching

“Acceptance First” is more than a slogan. It’s a posture. It’s how we honor the dignity and agency of every person we work with.

When people feel accepted, they’re free to be honest. To grieve. To hope. To grow.

That’s what healing looks like.

For more on our approach and team, visit the HigherChange homepage: http://www.higherchange.com

To learn more about the psychological concept of acceptance, visit:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance

Frequently Asked Questions

What is acceptance in the context of therapy?

Acceptance in therapy refers to the process of acknowledging and embracing one's thoughts, feelings, and experiences without judgment or avoidance. It involves coming to terms with reality and allowing oneself to experience emotions fully.
How does acceptance differ from resignation or giving up?

While acceptance involves acknowledging reality, it is not the same as resignation or giving up. Acceptance recognizes the present situation without denial or avoidance, but it does not imply passively surrendering to negative circumstances. Instead, it can be a starting point for finding constructive ways to cope or initiate change. For more info plz check https://www.drtomluttrell.com/acceptance-and-mindfulness
Can acceptance really lead to positive change in therapy?

Yes, acceptance can lead to positive change in therapy. When individuals accept their emotions and experiences, they become better equipped to understand their inner world and gain insight into patterns and behaviors. Acceptance can also reduce resistance to difficult emotions, enabling individuals to work through challenges more effectively.
Is acceptance the same as approval or condoning problematic behavior?

No, acceptance is distinct from approval or condoning problematic behavior. Acceptance is about acknowledging what exists and understanding one's emotions without judgment, but it doesn't mean endorsing harmful actions. Therapists help clients differentiate between accepting their emotions and accepting the consequences of their actions.
Should I accept something harmful or negative in my life just because it's happening?

Acceptance doesn't imply passive acceptance of harmful or negative situations. Therapists may help clients explore ways to address and change negative circumstances while simultaneously accepting the emotions they experience in response to them.
How can acceptance be helpful in managing difficult emotions and experiences?

Acceptance allows individuals to experience difficult emotions without resistance or avoidance. By acknowledging and validating these emotions, individuals can process them more effectively and develop healthier coping strategies. This, in turn, can lead to increased emotional resilience and well-being. Check this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance
Can acceptance be practiced in all types of therapy, or is it specific to certain approaches like acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)?

Acceptance can be integrated into various therapeutic approaches, but some, like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), explicitly emphasize acceptance as a core component. However, therapists from different modalities can incorporate acceptance-based techniques tailored to their clients' needs.
Is acceptance a sign of weakness or passivity?

No, acceptance is not a sign of weakness or passivity. It takes courage and strength to confront and accept one's emotions and experiences without judgment. It allows individuals to face challenges with resilience and a clearer understanding of themselves.
Can you learn to accept something you find morally or ethically wrong?

Acceptance does not necessarily mean endorsing something that goes against one's morals or ethics. It can involve acknowledging the reality of a situation while actively working towards making positive changes aligned with one's values.
How do you strike a balance between acceptance and striving for change and improvement?

The balance between acceptance and change varies depending on the situation and individual preferences. Therapy can help individuals navigate this balance by encouraging them to accept their emotions and experiences first while developing constructive ways to make positive changes.
What are some practical strategies for cultivating acceptance in everyday life?

Practical strategies for cultivating acceptance include mindfulness practices, self-compassion exercises, journaling to explore emotions, and seeking social support from understanding individuals.
Are there situations where acceptance might not be appropriate or beneficial? Are there any potential drawbacks or limitations to practicing acceptance in therapy?

In extreme cases where acceptance could lead to harm or danger, it may not be appropriate. For example, accepting ongoing abuse or dangerous behavior without taking necessary steps to protect oneself would not be beneficial. We "accept" the fact that it is going on, but we do not stop there. In this case, acceptance should propel us to take actions to protect life. While acceptance can be empowering, it might not be suitable for everyone or every situation. Some individuals may struggle with the concept or resist acceptance, and therapists need to be sensitive to each client's needs and preferences.
How does the therapist support the client in developing acceptance?

Therapists can support clients in developing acceptance by creating a non-judgmental and empathetic environment, teaching mindfulness and emotion regulation techniques, exploring thought patterns, and encouraging self-compassion.
Can acceptance be a way to cope with trauma or past experiences?

Yes, acceptance can be a valuable aspect of coping with trauma or past experiences. By acknowledging and processing painful emotions related to the trauma, individuals can begin to heal and move forward.
Is acceptance a long-term goal in therapy, or can it be achieved relatively quickly?

The timeline for achieving acceptance varies for each individual and depends on the complexity of the issues being addressed in therapy. For some, acceptance can be reached relatively quickly, while for others, it may take more time to integrate into their lives.
Can acceptance be useful in managing chronic pain or health conditions?

Yes, acceptance can be beneficial in managing chronic pain or health conditions. By accepting the reality of their condition, individuals can explore adaptive coping strategies and focus on what they can control.
How can I measure my progress in cultivating acceptance?

Progress in cultivating acceptance can be subjective and individualized. You may notice improved emotional regulation, increased self-compassion, and reduced resistance to difficult emotions as signs of progress.
Does acceptance mean I have to give up my goals or dreams?

No, acceptance does not require giving up goals or dreams. Instead, it involves understanding and accepting the current reality while actively working towards desired outcomes.
Can acceptance coexist with challenging or questioning societal norms or injustices?

Yes, acceptance can coexist with challenging societal norms or injustices. Accepting personal emotions and experiences doesn't mean accepting the status quo in society. It can motivate individuals to take positive actions and advocate for change. (See our "Diversity Statement.")